he last time my mother threw anything away on purpose was probably sometime during the Truman administration. Not that she was a hoarder. She didn’t save things because of an irrational compulsion to collect detritus.
OPINION — With Joe Biden’s inauguration, readers have been asking me what I think will happen during this new administration, and how it will affect hunting, fishing, the environment, the economy, religion, and my column. People are understandably concerned about their future, especially in light of the disasters of the past year. Plus, according to the Texas Dept. of Agriculture, lizards the size of dogs are invading Texas in droves.
OPINION — Here’s a little quiz for you: What do Ricky Gervais, Joanna Lumley, Peter Egan, Ed Sheeran, Dame Judi Dench, and Piers Morgan have in common? I mean besides the fact they’re all people you’ve never heard of. Except for Ricky Gervais and Piers Morgan. You’ve heard of them, because they’ve appeared in this column, although they probably weren’t happy about it.
OPINION — Whenever someone asks me what my favorite Christmas movie is, I usually say Die Hard, because it’s funny to watch the shapes their faces make while they try to decide whether Die Hard is actually a Christmas movie, or just a movie set at Christmas, in which Bruce Willis shoots a bunch of large Europeans with Augs and funny accents. For the record, Die Hard IS a Christmas movie, but it’s not really my favorite. That would be A Christmas Story.
OPINION — Christmas is definitely going to be a little different this year, due to the COVID-19 thing, although you shouldn’t allow that to dampen your holiday spirits. Well, unless you happen to work for the USPS, FedEx, UPS, Amazon, or any of the nation’s other fine freight carriers. What with people staying home for the holidays and mailing gifts this season, those poor folks are going to be busier than a one-legged cat trying to bury poop on a frozen sandpile. On behalf of our steadfast, diligent, dedicated, and hard-working delivery personnel, please try to refrain from sending your loved ones any bowling balls, weight sets, or large shipments of ammo for Christmas. It’s the right thing to do.
OPINION — About twenty years ago, in Mason, Texas, I bought a 4WD Chevy Luv pickup with Montana plates that looked like it had lost a fight with a Brahman bull. It had, in fact, hit a moose, which was probably worse. There was no part of the body that was not rusted, dented, perforated, torn, bent, deformed, or missing. A lot was missing. It was difficult to look directly at this vehicle without experiencing acute eyeball discomfort.
OPINION — The presidential election is finally done, and the results should be announced sometime between now and Armageddon, assuming Nevada and Alaska can eventually find someone capable of counting their 17 collective ballots.
The Arctic Ocean is dying. That may sound somewhat melodramatic, but there you go. I don’t make up the facts (not always, anyway), I just report them. And the fact is the Arctic Ocean is about to go belly up. There’s really not anything we can do about it, I just thought you should know. Being as how we’re all going to die, and stuff.
OPINION — Alert readers often send me current news items, probably hoping I’ll mention them in my column and they’ll become famous, appearing on television and in movies. Just so you know, that seldom happens. Actually, that never happens. But that’s OK, because I reply to every third reader who sends me stuff, and I mail them a nice Thank You note, along with a huge bag of cash. If you sent me a news item and didn’t get such a package, you were one of the other two.
OPINION — People cope with stress in various ways, and the past several months have been pretty stressful, what with all the riots going on, and the presidential campaigning, and Amy Coney Barrett’s SCOTUS confirmation hearings, and my missing sock, and some random guy flying around near the Los Angeles airport in a jetpack. He’s back, by the way. The pilots of a commercial jet saw him last week, about 6,000 feet up. Or maybe now there are two of them, which would be great, especially if they get into a dogfight. Kind of a real-life Iron Man thing. I’d buy a ticket.