Veganistas

OPINION — Being a planet-saving, animal rights-loving, tree-hugging, anti-hunting, plastic-hating, Prius-driving, vegan global warming activist must be hard. Waking up every morning with a chip on your shoulder, looking for something to be offended about, getting worked up all the time over the tiniest perceived minor infraction of the elitist environmental playbook has to wear on a person after a while. Not to mention the fact that people like me come along every so often and point out, in the kindest manner possible, that you’re an idiot who is actually doing more harm to the world than good. Bummer.

Electric cars, for example, are supposed to be great for the environment, because they run on, duh, electricity, instead of nasty and harmful fossil fuels, like oil and natural gas. Except that about seventy percent of the electricity used in the US is created by burning coal. So although the sissy-looking, tie-dyed shirt-wearing, man bun-sporting vegan blocking the road in his Prius with the ‘Coexist’ and ‘Feel the Bern’ bumper stickers thinks he’s saving the planet, he’s not. He’s actually causing more coal to be dug out of the earth, thereby despoiling ‘wilderness’ areas he loves so much, even though he’s never seen one, and causing more pollutants to be emitted into the atmosphere than the redneck in the jacked up 1988 Ford pickup with the gun rack and the ‘Follow me to Gilly’s’ sticker.

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Above: A Toyota Prius.

That’s got to hurt. But there’s more. The Prius probably won’t be on the road when it’s 33 years old, like the Ford is, and when it dies it will pollute the landfill far more copiously, seeing as how its batteries and many other components are non-biodegradable, not to mention the extra pollutants caused in their initial manufacture. It’s enough to cause ol’ Moonbeam to cry all over his avocado toast and spill his triple venti soy grande iced non-fat vanilla no foam latte with almond milk and caramel drizzle from Starbucks (We charge more for a cup of bad coffee than it costs to support a Guatemalan child for a month) Coffee Shop.

And speaking of avocado toast, which has become a huge thing among the woke crowd shouting that eating beef is ruining the planet, I got some bad news about that stuff, too. Growing avocados requires lots of water, actually more than twice the amount of water it takes to grow oranges. And since the yuppies have started eating avocado toast like Venezuelans scarfing up zoo animals under socialism, a lot more land has been cleared of forests in South America so more avocado trees can be planted. Ouch.

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Above: Avocado toast

I guess Buffy and Biff can overlook the fact that avocado farming has become such a lucrative business that it’s causing a rise in gang warfare down there, with cartels demanding protection money from the farmers, fighting with rival cartels over avocado turf, and burning avocado farms if they aren’t paid. After all, none of that is happening in L.A. or ‘Frisco, so no biggie.

Unfortunately there’s also the tiny issue of carbon emissions, which are a major Romper Room No-No among the planet savers. Since the US, UK, and Canada are consuming all the avocado toast, and all the avocados are grown in Mexico and South America, every green slice is the equivalent of a dead tree in the Amazon rain forest, which the wokers are also concerned about. Maybe instead of flying the fruit in they could have it carried on mule trains, except that would be cruel to the mules. Plus the avocados would be rotten by the time they got here, in three months.

At least the almond milk in that expensive latte helps out the environment a little, right? Wrong, Stardust. Manufacture of almond milk puts an amazing amount of pressure on bees, causing them to die. Poor bees. Plus it takes 130 pints of water to produce one (1) glass of almond milk. No wonder California is dryer than a Baptist wedding reception.

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Above: Almond milk

And don’t get me started on tofu. Too late.

Tofu is a processed protein source, claimed by vegans to taste like beef, which tells me they’ve forgotten what beef tastes like. Oh, but it’s saving the planet, since animal production is so bad, right? Well, not exactly. Tofu is a processed product, so it uses more energy in production than natural protein sources. Besides that, the protein in tofu is not as digestible as that found in beef, chicken, and pork, so you have to eat more of it to get the same amount of protein. Hope you’re hungry, River.

We’re out of time, here, so we won’t even get into the problems caused by the production of cashews, palm oils, and quinoa. Coconut products? Ah, sorry, those have to be flown in, too. How about a nice apple or pear?

Yeah, being a whiny, planet-saving vegan must be hard. I think I’ll worry about it for a minute, while I’m waiting for this steak on my grill to turn slightly less red in the middle . . .