Uncle Jedi

Granted, the Bad Guys couldn’t hit the broad side of an interstellar cargo barge, from the inside, with their ray guns. You’d think Vader could’ve sprung to send just a few of them to Gunsite in Arizona, but evidently not. As far as I can tell, from all the Star Wars movies, none of the Storm Troopers ever managed to even wound anyone. Which is pretty pathetic, but I guess you can’t expect much from mercenaries.

But if the Jedis had just invested in a few of those ray guns, they at least would’ve been able to engage the scourge of humanity at something beyond bad breath distance. Yet they seemed to have an aversion to upgrading their arsenal. Or maybe it was some kind of strange, twisted sense of honor or respectability. I don’t know.

And even though I scoffed at the lightsabers, I wanted one. I was a sixteen-year-old boy who lived in the country in the middle of Texas. Of course I wanted a lightsaber. Who didn’t? It was like a chainsaw and a sword and a plasma cutter all rolled into one. And somewhere in the back of my mind I knew that, if such a thing existed, and if I ever managed to get hold of one, it would take me like three minutes to cut my leg off. Or worse.

Now, thanks to modern technology and advanced pyrotechnics and something called an electrolyser and a Russian guy named Alex Burkan, I might just get that chance. Alex has invented an actual lightsaber that works just like the ones Spielberg armed his Jedis with in Star Wars. Sort of. Pretty much. Well, not really, but Alex’s invention is probably as close to a lightsaber as anyone will get in my lifetime, at least. And I want one.

Alex has a YouTube channel, so you can go look him up and see his lightsaber in action. Sort of. It looks like the ones on Star Wars, pretty much, and shoots a tongue of flame about three feet long. The electrolyser, which is contained in the handle, compresses hydrogen and oxygen to make the flame. Alex uses a similar setup to power his motorcycle. Wonder why Spielberg never thought of that.

Alex’s lightsaber is the real thing, though, and will actually cut through metal and stuff. Sort of. I mean, it will, but not with one swipe, like Luke’s did. You’ve got to hold it aimed at the metal for several seconds, and then it burns a hole in thin stuff, like an oxyacetylene torch. So it’s not exactly like Luke’s, but at least it has one advantage Luke’s didn’t have. It’s real.

Now, to be fair, Alex has only built one lightsaber so far, and it’s a prototype, and there are a few bugs to work out. Actually there are a lot of bugs to work out. For one thing, it’s pretty small, so it won’t hold a lot of water, which is where it gets the hydrogen and oxygen to work. Which means it only lasts about thirty seconds on a fill-up. But I’m thinking thirty seconds with a lightsaber would probably be long enough for a Star Wars-type swordfight, especially if you’re the only one with a lightsaber.

There’s also the minor issue of hydrogen flashback, which sometimes causes the lightsaber to spontaneously blow up in your hand. That could be a drawback, but Luke got a new hand in one of those shows, I recall, so it’s probably no big deal. People that complain about the details are just whiners.

We’ll see how Alex’s lightsaber progresses, provided he doesn’t lose both hands experimenting. And provided the Russian gubmint doesn’t outlaw lightsabers. And provided Spielberg doesn’t up and sue Alex for copyright infringement, or something. And provided he doesn’t run into someone with a 1911 .45 ACP who’s been to Gunsite. And when it hits the market. I’m getting one.

I just hope I don’t have to use math to operate it . . .

Kendal Hemphill is an outdoor humor columnist and minister who once shot himself in the leg with a nail gun. Write to him at [email protected]