My Goat is Got

This goat thing is driving me nuts. Not that I necessarily had all that far to go, of course, but still. I’m going to need some help on this one.

What happened was, a goat got arrested. Now, right off, you know you’re looking at good column material when you see a headline that says, ‘No, seriously. A goat arrested, then gets bail in Chhattisgarh.’ That was the title of the NDTV story my research department sent me last month. This all happened on February 9, sort of.

Actually, it started way earlier. We don’t know exactly when Abdul Hassan’s goat began his nefarious activities, but the recidivist was finally tracked down and apprehended on 9 Feb. One can only imagine the carnage if the authorities had not managed to bring such a heinous criminal to justice.

The NDTV story claimed the goat’s name was not known, which indicates shoddy journalism to me. I believe that if you’re going to report the news you should at least find out the facts. I had to read the New York Daily News story about the incident to learn the goat’s name is Babli. Which, you have to admit, is a great name for a goat. He can probably even say it.

Not only that, but the NDTV story had what I think is called a ‘dateline,’ or something, at the beginning. It said, ‘KOREA, CHHATTISGARH.’ So I assumed it meant that Chhattisgarh is in Korea, the country where Chesty Puller offered his famous quote. Puller was still just a full colonel, in charge of the First Marine Regiment at the Chosin Reservoir, when he was told the one Marine division there was surrounded by 22 divisions of Chinese soldiers. Puller reportedly said, “Good. Those fellows have got us right where we want them. We can shoot in any direction now.” He didn’t exactly say ‘fellows,’ but you get the gist.

But Chhattisgarh doesn’t really sound like a Korean town. And, if I can get away with saying this without sounding racist, Abdul Hassan doesn’t exactly sound like a Korean guy. So I was suspicious, and when I checked it out, I found that Korea is in India. Really.

Now, most of the time it’s spelled ‘Koriya,’ which, OK, it sounds pretty much the same. But Koriya is a district or something in India, and the NDTV story never mentioned that. This is why Abe Lincoln said you shouldn’t believe everything you read on the internets.

It also reminds me of the waitress who won a contest at her place of employment a while back, in which the prize was a new Toyota. At least that’s what the owner told his employees, but it was never actually written down. So the waitress was told to close her eyes, and she was led outside to get her prize, and then the owner handed her a Yoda doll.

Now, to be fair, the owner claimed he had told them all along the prize would be a toy Yoda, and they just misunderstood. The waitress sued him (the owner, not Yoda), but I never found out who won.

But I digress. We were discussing goats, specifically the recalcitrant Babli, who lives in India, not Korea. Babli was observed, on numerous occasions, jumping over a gate into a yard and eating the grass, flowers, and vegetables within. I tell you, if you don’t raise them right, there’s just no telling what will happen.

Still, Babli might have gotten away with his crimes, if the yard had not belonged to Hermant Ratre, who happens to be the district magistrate. Oops. I think we can all agree that this kind of behavior is just not acceptable in civilized society, or what passes for civilized society in Korea—or India.

So Hermant’s gardener complained, repeatedly, to Abdul, telling him he needed to control his goat, to no avail. Babli was evidently too headstrong to be deterred, and continued in his errant ways. Until 9 Feb. when the Long Arm of the Law finally reached out and arrested, not only Babli, but also Abdul. Bummer.

Now, we all know goats will eat just about anything that doesn’t eat them first. I once knew a goat that ate the vinyl off the top of an ’83 Monte Carlo. It was one of those fake convertible jobs.

Also, one of my boys’ favorite episodes of Maybery, R.F.D. was the one where a goat ate a bunch of dynamite, and Andy and Barney had to take him into custody, and they were scared to death he might explode. It didn’t do Otis any good, either, when he found out there was a loaded goat in jail with him.

So this is a great story, but there’s a problem. Babli, along with Abdul, made bail and got out of the pokey on 9 Feb, but the judge was supposed to make a ruling on 10 Feb, and I can’t find out what happened. There seems to be a dearth of stories on the internet about the fate of the ill-fated goat. The pair were looking at up to seven years in prison, last I heard.

So if anyone knows how the hearing came out, please let me know. Prison can be pretty harsh on a goat in Korea. Or India . . .

Kendal Hemphill is an outdoor humor columnist and public speaker who is way more interested in Babli than the presidential election. Write to him (Kendal, not Babli) at [email protected]