Last Minute Christmas Gift Ideas That Are Most Irritating

OPINION—Since Thanksgiving is over, it’s OK to play Christmas music now. If you play Christmas music before Thanksgiving, people get testy.  For some reason. Not me, though. I like to listen to ‘Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer’ year round. Matter of fact, there’s a guy named Bob Rivers who has made some Christmas albums that everyone needs, featuring singles such as ‘The Restroom Door Said Gentlemen,’ to the tune of ‘God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen.’

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And then there is ‘I Came Upon A Roadkill Deer,’ to the tune of ‘It Came Upon A Midnight Clear.’ Trust me, you need Bob Rivers.

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But you can’t listen to ‘Jingle Bells’ anymore, because it’s racist. According to Boston University theater professor Kyna Hamill, ‘Jingle Bells’ has its roots in slavery and racism, and if you play it at Christmas you probably beat puppies and drown kittens, too. Because you’re a racist, since you listen to ‘Jingle Bells.’ Also ‘White Christmas.’

Now, Irving Berlin wrote ‘White Christmas’ in 1942, and it’s become the world’s best-selling single. Over 100 million copies have been sold. So I guess most of the world is racist. Bummer.

But we don’t have time to list all the racist Christmas songs, because we have to get to this year’s Annual Christmas Gift Guide For The Discerning Shopper, which we offer annually every few years or so for you, the Discerning Reader. These helpful tips may keep you from buying your last-minute Christmas Gifts at your local convenience store, waiting in line while the clerk sells bundles of lottery tickets the size of cotton bales to people who can’t afford deodorant. You’re welcome.

Bass Pro Shops also offers a Christmas Gift Guide, but that one is for the High End Shopper, the sophisticated man or woman who plans ahead and starts shopping at least two weeks before Christmas. It contains items such as jewelry, BB guns, propane grills, tents, fishing reels, compound bows, Tracker boats, decorative watches, stink bait, hiking socks, and camouflage lingerie. And for you discerning male shoppers, let me just point out right here that the lady in your life probably does not want a plastic bucket of stink bait for Christmas. For some reason.

Dave Barry always puts out a Holiday Gift Guide, and I have to admit, he nailed it this year, offering such ideas as the Barry Manilow Coloring Book, the Ken Doll with a ‘Man Bun,’ and Star Wars Lightsaber Barbecue Tongs. Those will be hot items this Christmas, no doubt, but they pale in comparison to the Gun And Target Alarm Clock. When the alarm goes off a target pops up on top of the clock, and you use the gun (included) to shoot the target for snooze mode. That’s going to be hard to beat.

Then there’s Meriweather, which is evidently a company that not only offers some interesting gift ideas, but also managed to get hold of my email address. It’s too late for you to order from them now, of course, if you need Christmas gifts, but I can’t do everything. If you depend on me to come up with great presents, and also do it in time for Christmas, you really haven’t been paying attention.

But Meriweather is the only place I know of where you can buy a T-shirt with a silhouette of Bigfoot that says, ‘Undefeated Hide & Seek World Champion.’ And a sign that says, ‘Nobody wants to hear about your diet. Go eat your salad and be sad.’ And a pillow that says, ‘Good things come to those with perfect eyebrows.’ I have no idea what the perfect eyebrows thing means, but I like it.

My favorite Meriweather items, however, are their glasses that feature misheard song lyrics. These are actual glasses, like you drink from, that are printed with actual incorrect song lyrics. Now, to really enjoy the incorrect lyrics, you have to know the real ones, which are invariably not near as funny. Or funny at all. But if you’ve ever tried to figure out the words of a song you hear on the radio, and can’t understand them, these glasses are for you.

Elton John is evidently one of the most difficult singers to understand, since his ‘Tiny Dancer’ has given rise to not only ‘Count the head lice on the highway,’ but also ‘Hold me closer Tony Danza.’ Crystal Gayle gave us ‘Donuts make my brown eyes blue,’ and Rupert Holmes is represented with ‘Do you like bean enchiladas, and getting caught in the rain?’

The old 5^th Dimension song ‘Age of Aquarius’ seems to have been generally misunderstood as the ‘Age of Asparagus,’ and the Eurythmics seem to believe ‘Sweet dreams are made of cheese.’ Billy Idol says, ‘It’s a nice day for a light sweater. It’s a nice day for a cardigan.’ But my favorite is from the Eagles’ ‘Hotel California: ‘On a dark desert highway, cool whip in my hair.’

If none of these fantastic gift ideas will work for you, it’s possible you’re a little too discerning for your own good. Merry Christmas anyway. And if you’re a grandma, better keep a weather eye out for reindeer . . .