Spare the Rod, Spoil the Professor

Society may not be worth saving. Not that this is any surprise, if you’ve followed the news lately. Things have been going south on a greased pole for some time, and it’s your fault, if you spanked your kids when they were kids... According to a new study.

Spanking (or whoopping, as it was called when I was a young ‘un) used to be an acceptable way for parents to punish disobedient children, and correct their behavior. But then, back in the 60s, I think, there was a pediatrician named Spock, who went where no man had gone before, more or less. He was considered an expert on raising children, despite the fact that he was nuttier than a fruitcake. Dr. Spock wrote some books about child-rearing, and claimed parents should never spank their kids. He also advocated an entirely vegan diet for children past the age of two, which should tell you something.

Well, a lot of young parents back then, who had spent the 60s experimenting with experiments, if you get my drift, listened to Dr. Spock, because they were stupid. They didn't spank their offspring, and their children grew up into spoiled, rotten brats. Those children are now running the country.

But spanking continues to be a hot topic, since there are a lot of parents who carefully considered what Dr. Spock had to say, looked at their children, and decided that if the Good Lord had not intended for parents to spank their kids, He would not have given them backsides. You can tell who these horrible parents are, because their children are the ruined people who go around being polite, opening doors for others, and saying ‘sir’ and ‘ma’am.’ Makes you shudder just to think about it, doesn't it?

Well, in an apparent effort to let these parents know how much they’ve damaged their kids, some researchers from the University of Texas at Austin and the University of Michigan (in other words, liberals) recently conducted some more research. That’s what researchers do. They have to. Otherwise the people who give them money to do research would stop giving them money.

This new study, though, wasn’t really a new study. The liberals didn’t call anyone, or interview anyone, or peek into any windows. All they did was look at 50 years of data from 75 studies that other people conducted, and make some conclusions. And what they concluded was: spanking is bad. It might also be noted, apropos of nothing whatever, that it is likely that the liberals who conducted this ‘study’ weren’t spanked, themselves, when they were kids.

I say this because I’ve talked to a lot of people who were spanked as children, and I have yet to hear any of them, ever, say that spanking was bad. Bank presidents, successful businessmen, preachers, school teachers, police officers, firemen, and many others who are good, honest, hard-working people were spanked as children. Of course, I never talk to congressmen or criminals. And I say that with full awareness of the risk of redundancy.

Unfortunately, over half the parents in America listened to Dr. Spock, and some of their children grew up to be college professors and administrators. With no proof at all, I’m going to go out on a limb, here, and posit that Jacob Dorman’s parents probably never spanked him as a child. I say this because Jacob seems to be under the impression that he should get his way, regardless of what others think. Jacob was an associate professor of history and American studies at the University of Kansas, but he recently resigned because Kansas has decided to allow students to carry concealed guns on campus.

Jacob, and many others, are under the impression that laws prevent crime. They seem to think banning guns from campuses means there will be no guns on campuses. Jacob, despite his education, is an idiot. And I say that with great respect ... as far as you know.

Let me lay this out for you, Jacob. If some nut, whose parents probably didn’t spank him as a child, decides to come to the University of Kansas campus and shoot a bunch of people, he will not care if there is a gun ban there. He will come anyway, with his guns. A sign will not stop him. A law will not stop him. The only thing that has any chance at all of saving your tender, liberal, unspanked backside will be someone who carries the means of protecting those who can’t protect themselves. That person may be a student, or it may be a security guard, or it may be another professor. And chances are, that person was spanked as a kid. He or she knows right from wrong, because they grew up in a home where their parents didn’t listen to Dr. Spock, or the liberals at UT. A warmed up bottom is a great motivator.

Society may not be worth saving. But if it is saved, it will be saved by people whose parents cared enough to give them a good whoopping when they needed it. Because a belt is a terrible thing to waste . . .

         Kendal Hemphill is an outdoor humor columnist and public speaker who probably could have used a few more spankings as a child. Write to him at khemphill1@harding.edu