Florida Man

Some jobs are inherently more dangerous than others. We all know this, and most of us, the smart ones, generally avoid these dangerous jobs. I think this is what Darwin was talking about when he said, “The fittest among us survive. The rest of you dimwits are on your own.” Or maybe it was my grandfather who said that. I can’t recall exactly.

Now, lest I irritate the wrong people, let me point out that I’m not talking about service jobs, like cops, firefighters, emergency medical technicians, and the brave souls who change the light bulbs on towers so airplane pilots can see them at night. Those jobs are dangerous, sure, but the people who do them aren’t stupid. They do those jobs because they have a strong desire to help their fellow humans. It’s also fun to drive fast with the siren going, but we’ll just focus on the helping thing for now.

Besides, those jobs, while dangerous, don’t pay a lot, which means the people who choose them must have some goal in mind other than getting rich. You can help your fellow humans by becoming a teacher, or a plumber, or a ditch digger. All those are necessary occupations, and they’re usually not all that dangerous—except for being a teacher. That’s pretty scary. Still, those folks don’t get shot at as often as cops do, and they don’t have to go into burning buildings. A clogged drain can usually wait until the fire is out.

Anyway, if I were to make a list of the most dangerous civilian jobs available, being a cashier at Wendy’s would probably not be near the top of it. Matter of fact, being a cashier at Wendy’s would probably rank somewhere between insurance agent and Inspector #12, that guy who has to put those little stickers on clothes to prove they’re fit to sell at JC Penney’s. You never know when you might poke your finger with one of those pins.

But after reading an article sent to me by an alert reader, who wishes to remain anonymous, I might have to rethink the danger level of miscounting change at the drive-through window at Wendy’s, at least in Royal Palm Beach, Florida. I might also have to rethink my position on whether such an employee should be compensated at the rate of $15 per hour for such a service to humanity because of alligators.

According to the story, 23-year-old Joshua James caused some excitement at the Royal Palm Beach Wendy’s recently. He ordered, pulled up to the window, picked up his drink, and then threw a three-and-a-half-foot alligator through the window into the store. Daniel Xu, who wrote the article, neglected to mention whether the gator was loaded, but I think we should consider all alligators to be deadly weapons, until proven otherwise.

Now, the title of the story in Survival News said ‘Florida Man Charged with Assault for Throwing Alligator in Wendy’s Drive-thru,’ which made me think we were talking about a little gator, maybe a foot long, something like that. But three and a half feet? If I were working the window at Wendy’s, and a three-and-a-half-foot gator came flying at me, I’d say it was about seven feet too long.

Another interesting aspect of this case is the ‘Florida Man’ thing. My son, Paden, recently alerted me to the concept of Florida Man. It seems a lot of guys in the Sunshine State spend a little too much time in the sunshine, without a hat. Headlines that begin with ‘Florida Man’ are common, and generally what follows is a brief description of the dumbest thing anyone has done, in history, since the last Florida Man headline.

This has become such a common theme that someone set up a Twitter feed with the name Florida Man, only the idea is that Florida Man is basically the most inept and incompetent superhero ever to strap on a cape. And when you read the headlines with ‘superhero’ in mind, they’re way funnier than anything I could ever make up.

Recent entries include: ‘Florida Man Becomes First Person in America to Crash $1.4 Million Car,’ and ‘Florida Man Loses Car Keys, Accidentally Locks Himself in Trunk While Looking For Them,’ and Florida Man Found in Hotel Room With Dead Body, Two Live Monkeys,’ and ‘Florida Man Attacks Wal-Mart Employee With Potato Chips.’ These are the most logical, sensible, reasonable Florida Man headlines.

One of my favorites is, ‘Florida Man Rams Car Into Jail, Says He “Just Wanted to Visit Friends.”’ And I’m sure he ended up getting to do that.

Joshua, of course, made the cut. His headline is now on the Florida Man Twitter feed. He’s also looking at charges of ‘aggravated assault with a deadly weapon, illegally capturing an alligator, and second-degree petit larceny theft.’ I guess Joshua forgot to pay for his drink. Or maybe he figured the gator was valuable enough to cover it. Or something.

On top of all that, Joshua has been ordered to have his mental health, or lack thereof, screened by a suitable professional (one assumes he will have to travel outside of his home state to meet this requirement), and he’s banned from entering, or even ordering from, any Wendy’s restaurant.

Which may put a strain on McDonald’s, if Joshua makes bail. . .

Kendal Hemphill is an outdoor humor columnist and public speaker who avoids damp states, when possible. Write to him at [email protected]