Gifts That Keep On Annoying

Once again it’s time for our Annual Christmas Gift Guide, which I enjoy putting out every few years, or whenever I remember it. For your edification and convenience, I scour the store shelves and parking lots and public restrooms all over the United States, provided they are located in my office, to bring you a compilation of the most impractical and useless offerings available. Don’t thank me. Not that you would.

Actually, I don’t do a lot of preparation for the Annual Christmas Gift Guide, scouring-wise. What I actually do is poke around on the internet when I’m not too busy doing routine toenail maintenance, and see what I can come up with. This is usually a waste of time, except for the toenail thing, so I end up getting most of my ideas from Dave Barry’s Holiday Gift Guide. I always find it easier to come up with original ideas when someone else has already had them.

You may also be wondering why the Annual Christmas Gift Guide usually doesn’t come out until it’s too late to buy a gift that can’t be found next to the counter at a convenience store. Partly, this is because I happen to be an excellent procrastinator; and partly, it’s because, if someone actually gave someone else one of the gifts I endorse, I might be implicated in the divorce settlement.

So this is basically a list of things you could have bought someone for Christmas, if you had planned ahead. But then, if you planned ahead, you probably wouldn’t be the type of person who would spend real American dollars on a toilet decal. Or maybe you would. Who am I to judge?

Because of the epidemic of toilet snakes in the country, as evidenced by stories you can find on the internet, people are already afraid to go to the bathroom. The toilet decal, from Amazon.com, capitalizes on this fact by allowing you to scare the wadding out of your friends, if you have any, being the kind of person who would do such a thing.

It’s a sticker that goes on the lid of the toilet that makes it appear, to an extremely near-sighted human, that two large snakes are crawling out of the bowl. Imagine the fun you can have with this item at your annual Christmas party in your home or office or church. Imagine someone going into a strange bathroom, turning on the light, and finding snakes in such a personal place. Imagine the questions the paramedics will ask.

But the toilet decal is not the most useful item on our list this year. No. That would be the Cat Stay And Wash, also from Amazon.com, which is a short leash with a suction cup on the end. For those who have cats they don’t shoot at, the idea is to put the leash on the cat, and then stick the suction cup to the floor, countertop, ceiling, or whatever surface you plan to use to wash your cat, so it doesn’t run off. The cat, realizing it can’t get away, will then stand patiently in a docile manner and allow you to give it a bath.

I jest. The cat will certainly go berzerk, unless you’ve been lacing its food with Prozac for a week. But I highly recommend this product, and if anyone ever buys it and tries to use it, please, for the love of humanity, make a video.

As wonderful as these gift ideas are, they pale in comparison to the most impressive (by which I mean stupid) gift on our list, which is the Wearable Hummingbird Feeder, available from heatstick.com. This is a helmet that looks like one of those huge old diving helmets, except that it’s made of festively colored plastic. It sits on your shoulders, and has a reservoir in the top, which you fill with sugar water. The spigot for hummingbirds to drink is right between the eyes of the wearer, so when birds come to drink, they will be really, really, really close.

Of course, hummingbirds have long, sharp beaks, which they poke into the spigot, which looks remarkably like the iris of an eye. Your eye. Which happens to also be available for poking, if you stand real still. So this is a great gift for your brother-in-law, or one of the Three Stooges.

Amazon.com also offers a Floating Candle, which is a candle that floats, and is designed to be put in drinks during holiday parties. For some reason. I would recommend this item highly, except that the only review posted on the Amazon ad said, “Did not float – sank right to the bottom of the glass.” Which is probably best, hair and skin being flamable, and all.

Any of these items would make great Christmas gifts for anyone who is not currently me. And what, you might ask, do I want for Christmas?

That’s easy. All I want is for someone to invent something that will keep the coons out of my deer feeder. I’m thinking something electrical, or explosive, or both, preferably quite painful. That’s all I want.

Merry Christmas . . .

Kendal Hemphill is an outdoor humor columnist and public speaker who really doesn’t want to hear from you cat people. Write to him at [email protected]