Good News, Bad News


OPINION — The presidential election is finally done, and the results should be announced sometime between now and Armageddon, assuming Nevada and Alaska can eventually find someone capable of counting their 17 collective ballots. I can understand the delay in Nevada, since the house take has to be factored in, and an agreement has to be reached on whether Biden or Trump should get the benefit of the spread, but why Alaska has taken so long to declare a winner is still a mystery. They have like 23 people, a moose, and a polar bear up there. For goodness sake.

But I’m sure everyone is pretty sick of hearing about the election, so today I’m going to point out some things you may have missed lately, because of the 24/7 election coverage by the lamestream media. You might be surprised to learn that life has not come to a screeching halt all over the world because of the US election. I know I was.

In Sao Paulo, Brazil, for example, a Mercedes-Benz Challenge race was being held at Interlagos Circuit, and everything was running smoothly, when a woman driving a Cooper Mini wandered onto the track. It was, as Jeff Foxworthy would say, pandalerium. The race announcers were panicking, shouting for the driver to be arrested, and the safety car was called out. Don’t you hate it when that happens?

In her defense, it was the woman’s first visit to the facility, and she got lost after competing in a drag race on another track, and was just trying to find the parking lot. Who hasn’t been there, right? I’m thinking she probably shouldn’t’ve depended on Google Maps.

Denmark, as you are no doubt aware, is the world’s largest producer of mink fur. The country contains an estimated 17 million of the little critters, mostly on mink farms all over the place. Well, it did contain that many. There are probably considerably fewer of them now, since Denmark is in the process of exterminating them. All of them.

It seems the minks are spreading a mutated strain of Covid-19, which could undermine the effectiveness of any future vaccine that might be developed. So the minks are all getting the axe, pronto. If you were planning to buy a mink coat you might want to hurry. Prices will probably go through the roof pretty soon.

And if you were planning to go on a cruise anytime soon, I’ve got good news and bad news. The cruise ship industry, of course, has been shut down for months, because of the rona. With the virus going around, it was deemed to be a bad idea to confine thousands of people in close quarters on a boat for days at a time. As if that were a good idea anytime.

Planning a Cruise?

Planning a cruise on a ship like this?

Well, the good news is that on Reformation Day (31 Oct) the CDC officially released the cruise ships to once again set sail. The bad news is that they are prohibited from allowing any passengers on board. If this doesn’t make sense to you, then you’re obviously not a world-class virologist or immunologist working for the CDC.

The plan, if you can call it that, is for the cruise companies to schedule mock voyages, with full crews, and with volunteers pretending to be passengers, so the CDC can ‘test cruise ship operators’ ability to mitigate COVID-19 risk.’

Okie doke.

As you might imagine, I have some concerns about this plan. For one thing, I’m wondering how someone pretends to be a passenger on a cruise ship. You’re either a passenger or you’re not. If the boat is at sea, and you’re on the boat, sleeping in a passenger’s cabin, eating in the passengers’ cafeteria and restaurants, engaging in passenger-type activities and making passenger-type noises, I would think you’re a passenger for real, and not a pretend passenger. It sounds similar to asking pregnant women to pretend to be pregnant. There really isn’t any middle ground.

My other concern is how they find these pretend passengers. Is there maybe a waiting list, or something? And do these pretend passengers also pretend to pay for their cruises? I’d consider volunteering myself, but I went on a cruise last summer, and if I have anything to say about it I will never go on another one, free or otherwise. Being on a cruise is kind of like being in prison.

But my favorite story of late comes from a video shared by the Not The Bee website, which you should definitely look up. The video shows a man in a snowy park, carefully and tenderly releasing his pet mouse into the wild, so it can live the rest of its life as a free mouse. It’s one of those touching, human interest stories. Or maybe mouse interest.

Hawk snatches released mouse

As the little fellow scampers off, his erstwhile owner says, “I’m really sad. I just got to know him.” About that time a hawk swoops down, snatches up the mouse, and flies away. I would describe the video as ‘poignant.’ Especially for the mouse.

Oh, well, life is full of surprises. Especially around election time . . .

Kendal Hemphill is an outdoor humor columnist and minister who really doesn’t care to hear from you people who think going on a cruise is fun. Write to him at [email protected].

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Jeff L, Mon, 11/16/2020 - 14:49

We're here in Texas still wondering how the democrats and lamestream media called the election before all of the legal votes were counted.... Actually we're wondering around the entire U.S. of A if our voice is even heard anymore. WE VOTED FOR TRUMP not a senile old man

So weird people think frump won. Even now in MAY!! He did not win. He has no ideas or policies!! He is just worshipped by a huge swath of gullible and hate-filled LOSERS!! (the hair??)

Your side lost. That's how it works!! We lived through frumpy the clown car driver (and shrubby the destroyer of lives), you can survive with real leadership for a while.

The King of the Golden Tweetin Toilet simply remains a terrible person, a horrible LOSER, and a whiney man-boy, like he always was. No surprises (except the horror of Jan 6th - he got that right.). He is the saddest example of a cult leader ever. Just pathetic. No class, no brains, just white trash. Sad.

  Go sit on your golden toilet and FLUSH YOURSELF. He needs a hug, not the presidency. 

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