Social Distancing (and Other Oxymorons)

 

OPINION — You’d think that, after a while, pretty much everybody would realize this Wuhan Chinese virus is not exactly the Arnold Schwarzenegger of viruses, the way the media played it up to be to begin with. You’d think that even the most obtuse government employee and the most clueless elected official would eventually wake up, look around, and figure out that not everyone is dead or dying. You’d think someone would finally point out to the governors forcing people to stay home that they have no right to keep people imprisoned just because of the possibility that someone might get sick, and that the U.S. Constitution contains no caveat that negates freedom in the case of a pandemic. You’d think Alex Karras would’ve been inducted into the Pro Football Hall of Fame in 1975, instead of in 2020.

You’d be wrong.

Honestly, this whole fiasco is crazy. Weasely bureaucrats all over the country have carpe’d the diem out of this virus thing, wielding power they don’t have, making up rules that aren’t legal, and turning their states into communist dictatorships over a flu bug with a mortality rate of half a percent. Citizens are being incarcerated for going to work, and violent criminals are being turned loose to terrorize society. If people saw this plot in a movie theater, they’d walk away shaking their heads at how unbelievable it was. I’m expecting Rod Serling to step out of the cigarette smoke at any moment.

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Above: Alex Karras.

Oh, people are dying from Wuhan, but people die from influenza every flu season. Maybe this one is a little worse than some others, but not by much. And since we’ve learned that hospitals have been pushed to attribute deaths to the virus without testing, we can’t really be sure what the correct numbers are. Even the tests can’t be trusted, because the CDC has admitted that it sent out a good many test kits that were already tainted with the virus. I’m thinking I should get a do-over on that biology mid-term I bombed three years ago.

Some of the biggest whiners, of course, object when you refer to the disease as the Wuhan Chinese virus. Senator Kamala Harris recently introduced a bill rejecting “all forms of anti-Asian sentiment as related to COVID-19,” such as Chinese Virus, Wuhan Virus, and Kung Flu. She wants people prosecuted for hate crimes when they use those terms. She wants those people investigated, documented, and punished. She wants us to call the virus ‘COVID-19.’ Well. Maybe someone should clue Kamala in that COVID stands for ‘Chinese Originated Viral Infectious Disease.’ Which means the bill she submitted to make it a hate crime to refer to the virus as ‘Chinese’ can be used as evidence that she has committed the hate crime of referring to the virus as ‘Chinese.’ I wish I could make this stuff up, but no one would believe it, anyway.

The most insane part of this story has been the amazingly ridiculous and inconsistent response measures taken by cities, states, and the federal gubmint to combat the disease. Wal-Mart, Costco, Lowe’s, and other national chain stores have remained open for the duration, while mom and pops, with a tiny fraction of the traffic, were closed immediately. Some of the first venues to be shut down were beaches, parks, and hiking trails. My son and his wife had to cancel their Appalachian Trail thru-hike, which they had barely begun when the panic hit. Which is logical, since they were much more likely to contract a communicable disease by avoiding people than flipping through the CDs in a crowded Best Buy. Or something.

Now that parks are opening back up, Step Outside has offered some guidelines that seem helpful when enjoying the outdoors. Trent Jonas wrote a piece for them called ‘How to maintain social distancing while hiking.’ I have to admit I’m a little confused, since I was under the obviously mistaken impression that wilderness hiking was basically the definition of social distancing. Maybe I’ve been missing something. Maybe I’ve been doing it wrong for several decades. Maybe people visit beautiful and scenic back country parks so they can bunch up on the trails and exhale all over one another. And in case you’re wondering, that’s one of the big ‘don’ts’ in Trent’s article. Who’da thunk it?

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Above: Utah governor Gary Herbert

And in a surprise move that surprised no one except possibly Joe Biden, Utah recently passed legislation that, for all practical purposes, legalized polygamy. The Beehive State has been turning a blind eye toward the occasional second, and third, and sixth wife for years, but now it’s pretty much official. Personally, I’m wondering how a guy could expect to keep one wife happy, let alone several, so I’m not buying. But you’d think someone would’ve complained about the lack of social distancing involved. Wait. Utah governor Gary Herbert attended Brigham Young. Never mind.

To paraphrase my favorite Cary Grant line from the movie ‘Arsenic and Old Lace,’ “Insanity runs in my country. Practically gallops.”

You’d think I’d be used to it by now . . .

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Harris wants people "investigated, documented, and punished," as effectively as her state does with illegal immigrants, or would they really push their paper properly and do some legwork to enforce her idea?

Provided that one obeys all the dictates of the likes of Harris and those of like mind, one might actually be able to yield enough of one's personal power over to them to be able to actually suffer the consequences of their policies.

Personally, I believe in working hard, and that being petty tyrants should be hard work, too! Posteriors need to be gotten off of and paychecks earned if they're going to make their Soviet style police state dreams into a reality.

https://media0.giphy.com/media/GcSqyYa2aF8dy/giphy.gif?cid=19f5b51a603e077b9eb2911d8424f0acbc349242976fefb2&rid=giphy.gif

I am surprised that as a minister, I'm assuming a Christian one, that you find humor in sarcasm, put-downs, and disinformation. Naming names, poking fun at other religions, intimating through sarcasm that the states got it wrong and that SARS-Co-vid 19 is a "bad flu" is disheartening from anyone but especially a messenger from God. No one could ever righteously compare the yearly flu death toll to the four month death toll of the acute respiratory syndrome that has now mutated according to the weaknesses of the host human, e.g., children and young teens. No influenza leaves residual organ damage, shortening life, for anyone who suffers through it. Here's a new message for you to send to your congregants: Joshua 1:9.

O Great and awesome High Church Ladies, who thread their not insignificant assets through the eye of the needle. All hail the Holy Karenites, whose powers of guilt tripping and offendedness are both immanent and transcendent, (i.e. inescapable,) and as far reaching and boundless as the internet itself across the whole Earth and into the universe above as their encrypted shaming leaks into the stellar abyss at the speed of light.

Cast out are we eternally onto the couch of rebellion for the sin of not placing the heads of our matriarchs above our own. Condemn us, for we did not know that it is not Jehovah, or Jesus, the Bible, or God's True Pope™ Ratzinger who speaks the Truth, but only thee, O Karen-sama.

O that we did not know that we should not practice no religion lest you declare us unholy, nor another religion lest you judge us harshly and cast suspicion over us, nor your religion lest you condemn us in a succinct, play-by-play airing of grievances. For you are a jealous collective... and spiteful... and generally unhappy, to be honest... you might want to look into getting some counseling if one has to be frank...

For we are but ministers, and students, and acolytes, but thou art the Goddesshead herself, oh Elohim of Disapproval. Isaiah 40:22 tells us that we are as unto grasshoppers in comparison to the Lord, but thou art the holy matron rodents of our great Calhoun's Rat civilization which consume our minds and souls as blissfully as are consumed the excess offspring of a mother hamster.

We kneel before you in submission and reverence to sup from the whine of your navels of fire, and ash, and brimstone, O Devouring Goddesses, and dissolve our souls into your unquenchable dissatisfaction and infinitely high, and perpetually unattainable, strict standards.

Revered Dependapotomi Matrons, relay our every sin unto the Cosmic Manager, and nag us into everlasting contrition.

https://youtu.be/ebILIKHi9wo

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