In Other News

OPINION — You’re probably getting pretty tired of this Wuhan virus thing, and since I’ve ridiculed just about everyone I can think of to ridicule in conjunction with the pandemic, I started looking for something else to write about. It’s not that I’ve quit being concerned about the virus, it’s just that my attention span stretches only so far, even when death is involved. If I’d been on the Titanic, I probably would have gotten bored waiting for a lifeboat and started playing a game on my cell phone.

As it turns out there are things happening in the world that have nothing to do with masks, or toilet paper, or hand sanitizer, or knucklehead governors acting like tyrants, throwing their weight around, ruining freedom for everybody. Not that these other things are necessarily all that important, or relevant, or serious, but they are happening, and sometimes that’s enough. For me, anyway.

For example, you may be aware that marijuana is a legal commodity in some states now, and people can just walk into a store and buy it, like it was a box of chocolates. In other states you can get a card to buy weed if you can get a doctor to give you a medical excuse. Now, to get a medical marijuana card, you have to have a pretty darn good reason, such as a terminal illness, or chronic pain, or a hangnail, or a pretty bad bunion, or something. They just don’t pass those things out like complimentary breath mints, for goodness sake.

But those cards don’t actually negate federal laws pertaining to controlled substances, of which pot happens to be one. States issue those cards, but the feds don’t recognize them, even when they squint real hard. And since airlines are pretty much subject to federal laws, it’s still illegal to get on a plane with your doobies in your pocket, regardless of your personal bunionage.

So Midway airport in Chicago installed a convenient ‘cannabis amnesty box’ to help travelers out. If you happened to show up at the airport to go someplace, and remembered that you had a bag of Buzzed Lightyear or Green High Deal in your luggage, you could drop it in the box and go on your way without having to worry about being arrested. Well, not for pot, anyway. You could still be arrested for something else. Some places don’t like people with bunions.

Chicago police were sure surprised when someone broke into the box and stole some weed out of it. Amazing. Who on earth could have predicted such a thing happening? Not the Chicago police, evidently. Which makes me wonder if they have bunions.

In other news, you’ll be happy to learn that the environmentalists haven’t been idle during the pandemic. Several groups have been complaining that the U.S. Forest Service is violating the Endangered Species Act in regard to the New Mexico meadow jumping mouse. If you can imagine. They say it’s the Forest Service’s fault that fences haven’t been maintained, grazing regulations haven’t been enforced, and feral animals haven’t been rounded up, to the detriment of the mice. And they apparently say it with a straight face.

According to Robin Silver, one of the co-founders of the Center for Biological Diversity, “We entrust the care and protection of these publicly owned treasures to the Forest Service, but it’s completely abdicated its responsibility. And the adorable jumping mouse is being pushed closer to extinction.” The KXAN article I read, for some reason, neglected to mention whether Robin suffers from bunions. I could hazard a guess. But I won’t.

The mouse in question is indeed adorable, as mice go. It gets its name from the fact that, when frightened, it can leap more than two feet in the air. Which might not seem all that impressive until you consider that the little darling is only about an inch tall. OK, it’s still not all that impressive. But then, few people are impressed by mice. I’m kind of on the fence, myself.

Closer to home, the neighborhood of Bridgeland Shores, in Cypress, Texas has lately been terrorized by a gray squirrel, possibly a descendant of the one that laid waste to the First Self-Righteous Church of Pascagoula, Mississippi at one time. Several people have been bitten, and two have actually been hospitalized.

Katie Herrera was terrified when the bloodthirsty squirrel attacked her outside her home. She suffered bruises and puncture wounds from the squirrel’s claws, but managed to escape with her life. Sharlene French-Amezquita (pronounced ‘German-Amezquita’) was not so lucky. Not that she was killed, but the squirrel ambushed her as she came out of her front door, and when she tried to shoo it away, it declined to shoo. It jumped on her and bit her arm. She tried to retreat into the house, but before she could escape it bit her leg. And congress does nothing.

No word yet on whether the squirrel has bunions, but I wouldn’t rule it out . . .