The Sun Also Sets

OPINION — You probably think I didn’t write a Thanksgiving column last week because of my charming habit of procrastination, but that’s not actually true. Well, not completely. OK, actually it is true, but for once I’m glad I didn’t do a holiday column on time, before the holiday, because if you’d read this piece last week it would’ve ruined your Thanksgiving. And since Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday, I’d hate to ruin it for anyone, even the dweebs who write me angry letters from time to time. Well, OK, I wouldn’t really have minded ruining their holiday, but you can’t have everything.

Maybe you’re thinking I couldn’t write anything that would’ve ruined your Thanksgiving. Maybe you think nothing I say could’ve caused you to feel guilty about spending time with family and friends, having a nice meal, and watching some football on television. Maybe you think I don’t have the power to destroy an otherwise wonderful four-day weekend of relaxation and fellowship. And you’d be right. Because if you’re reading this column you’re probably not a self-centered, narcissistic, arrogant gooberhead who worries about climate change. Unfortunately not everyone is like you.

The environmentalists have been at it again, raining on our parade, trying to ruin the best holiday of the year. For once, though, it’s not just peta. All kinds of wackos are jumping on the bandwagon, which is a common theme with those who think carpooling will save the planet. I guess they’re bandwagonpooling.

Numerous media outlets have recently reported that holiday traditions are contributing to climate change and destroying earth, which is nothing new. What’s different is that now they’re saying it’s not industry or big government or Donald Trump who’s causing the problem, it’s you. The focus has shifted from groups who don’t care about the planet to individuals who don’t care about the planet, and Exhibit A is what you put on your table last Thursday. You cretin.

Earth Day Network ran a story on their website that was headed, ‘Don’t let consumerism consume your holiday,’ and ‘It’s (not) a wonderful life.’ The article said that putting a sixteen pound turkey on your table at Thanksgiving creates 34.2 pounds of CO2, what with raising it, hauling it, keeping it cold, cooking it, and of course consuming it. And while my gut reaction to this revelation of doom would be to tell the whiners what to do with their stuffing, the turkey isn’t the only problem, according to the space cadets.

Online shopping during Thanksgiving weekend is also a drag on earth, apparently. The story said that ‘all the packaging and transportation that goes into delivering that gift to your doorstep leaves a way bigger carbon footprint than just going to the store yourself.’ I’m thinking one vehicle delivering hundreds of packages vs. hundreds of cars going to the mall and playing demolition derby for parking spaces is a no brainer, but what do I know?

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Above: Environmentalist-produced articles claim delivering gift to your doorstep leaves a way bigger carbon footprint than just going to the store yourself.

As ridiculous as it is for the environmentalists to bash Thanksgiving as the planet’s downfall, that’s not the craziest idea that’s come from the Fruit Loops on the left lately. A ‘healer’ who calls herself Metaphysical Meagan recently posted a picture of herself on Instagram in a rather compromising position, engaging in an activity I could not have made up, no matter how much carbon I’ve absorbed. It’s called Perineum Sunning, and if that explanation doesn’t work for you, let me just say that what Meagan was doing, in a nutshell, was letting the sun shine where the sun don’t shine. Literally.

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Above: Perineum Sunning with Metaphysical Megan

Meagan claims a wide range of health benefits from the practice of airing her unairables for a few minutes daily, including better sleep, more creativity (of course), energy surges, a better-regulated circadian rhythm (whatever that means), and attracting soul tribe (?) and people who are on the same frequency and wavelength as her. I would not have thought there were people on that wavelength, but there you go.

Other earth people are evidently on board with this practice, claiming that 30 seconds of ‘letting the sunshine in’ is the equivalent to spending all day in the sun with your clothes on. I guess Perineum Tanning is for people who just don’t have the time to spend a few minutes outdoors, or something. It’s also supposed to keep your hormones lined up properly, although I’m not too sure about that. I’d think people with straight hormones could find more socially acceptable ways to soak up some rays and absorb some vitamin D. But that’s me.

The bottom line (no pun intended) is that any efforts I might make to ruin your Thanksgiving would definitely ‘pale’ in comparison to the strange and revolting offerings the left puts forth as normal. If Perineum Sunning wouldn’t’ve ruined your holiday, well, bless your heart. I guess now we all have something to be thankful for. Personally I’m thankful I’m not Metaphysical Meagan.

Now I bet you wish I’d procrastinated a little longer . . .