It's a Tossup

OPINION — Although the next presidential election is still more than a year away, the Democrat Party is chin-deep in its ‘Let’s Pick Someone Who Has A Chance Of Beating Trump’ selection process. And before I get a lot of reader mail, let me just state up front that I have decided not to run for president next year. To borrow a statement from Civil War General for the Union William Tecumseh Sherman when he heard his name tossed around as a presidential contender for the Republicans in 1884, ‘If nominated I will not run; if elected I will not serve.’

Whenever these election cycles come around I like to inspect the proposed candidates and see if I can’t figure out who will win the party’s nomination, and then ridicule the whole bunch. And lest anyone think I’m picking on the Democrats, which I am, let me point out that I did the same thing when the Republicans were trying to pick someone to run against President Obama in 2012. That was a pretty sorry bunch, let me tell you, especially with Mitt ‘Let’s Let The Dog Ride On The Roof’ Romney leading the pack. There was also Michelle ‘I’m Not A Witch’ Bachmann, if you’ll recall, and Rick Perry, who I tried to talk some sense into on numerous occasions, with no noticeable results.

So it seems the modus operendus for the challenging party is to single out the most ridiculous members of their organization, and then force them to debate one another on television until Americans would be willing to vote for whoever promises to shut up. These candidates spend several months running one another down, pointing out each other’s faults, and laughing at all the other candidates’ ideas. And then when one of them is chosen, the rest of them tell every reporter within earshot why the person they’ve been dragging through the mud would make a stellar president. Seems legit.

Mike Rowe summed up the Democrat debates rather succinctly, I thought, when he said they consist of ‘millionaires arguing with millionaires over who hates the millionaires the most.’ So which millionaire will win the Dem nomination? That’s the big question. It will be the one thought to have the best chance of beating President Trump, the current Republican millionaire. Or billionaire.

The good news is that the Dems have some pretty impressive stock this time around, which is surprising after the botched 2016 herd they trotted out. They ended up with Bernie Sanders, who won the party’s nomination, and then had it stolen from under his nose by Hillary Clinton, so then Bernie spent the next few months telling people to vote for Hillary, which may be why Trump won. What a mess.

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Above: Bernie Sanders

For a while I thought Andrew Yang had a pretty good shot, because he seemed so smart and sensible, but then people kept asking him questions, and the more he talked the crazier his ideas sounded, until he ended up offering people money for doing nothing. Good work if you can get it, but our politicians already get paid for doing nothing. So Yang is out, although I think he’d be a fun guy to talk to at a birthday party.

The most promising Dem was Tulsi Gabbard. She’s intelligent, logical, honest, well-spoken, and a military veteran, so the party dismissed her pretty quickly. Which is a shame, since I’d probably vote for her if she wasn’t a gun-grabbing socialist.

Speaking of socialists, Bernie is back, still doing his ‘I’m going to give everything away for free’ routine, which is popular with most millennials. Free college, free housing, free electricity, free Wi-Fi, free everything. Except, as Margaret Thatcher once said, ‘The problem with socialism is that you eventually run out of other peoples’ money.’ But you have to admit Bernie’s pretty sane, for a crazy person.

The frontrunners right now are Joe Biden and Elizabeth Warren, who are pretty much interchangeable. Warren claimed she was a Native American, but then it was discovered she couldn’t spell ‘native,’ so that didn’t work. She also wants the gubmint to pay for sex change operations for transgender prison inmates, for some reason. Can they even vote? I’m thinking not. Very puzzling.

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Above: Elizabeth Warren

Joe, bless his heart, would be the hands-down winner if he’d just keep his mouth shut for five minutes. Well, that and put his hands in his pockets and leave them there. Poor guy thinks people want him to touch them, I guess. And you thought Bill Clinton was handsy.

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Above: Joe Biden

The most interesting and entertaining Dem candidate, by far, is Francis O’Rourke, who hitched his wagon to the horse way out on the left flank of the remuda, and is now trying to keep it from running straight over the cliff. He’s still claiming criminals will surrender their ARs and AKs if we just ask them nicely. But, hey, it worked so well with heroin and cocaine, why not?

So that’s the line-up for the Dems. A fake Indian, a fake Latino, an honest socialist, and a few intelligent people who are unelectable.

My money’s on Hillary. After all, she won last time . . .