SAN ANGELO, TX -- I stumbled across a Dear Abby question from a woman seeking advice about a marital problem. Here's the scenario.
A 38 year-old woman, newly divorced from her husband due to his infidelity, was unsure how to talk to her boys about it, one age 12, the other age 15. They knew something was up when Dad moved out of the house, but hadn't been told much other than their parents were having “relationship problems.”
The woman was finally ready to make the separation permanent and was torn about what she should say to her boys, or if she should say anything about the reason for the pending divorce. After all, “irreconcilable differences” is a real thing, not only to the courts, but a fact of life between two people.
For the most part I don't read Dear Abby because I don't agree much with her answers.
This time, she advised the woman to wait and make sure the divorce actually happened, and there wasn't some sort of “make-up” before the divorce was final.
Abby's answer sounds a little weak to me.
Now, I admire parents who divorce and remain good friends. Especially when children are involved, not saying nasty things about the other parent in front of the kids is a good thing.
And while it's okay that kids know Mom and Dad aren't perfect, is this something that kids at this age can handle?
It's a sticky wicket, indeed. Not saying anything seems dishonest. On the other hand, this is their Dad.
Doesn't Mom have an obligation to protect her children's relationship with their father?
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Definitely don't tell the kids. It between the parents the reason. Don't cause the kids more grief than is neccesary. All they need to be told is the parents. Couldn't get along together and it had nothing to do with how they felt about the kids.
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PermalinkParents should recognize the value in acquainting their children with examples of real-life predicaments and their often challenging circumstances. Where has our nation's cult of infantilization gotten us? A generation of young people who assume the world begins and ends with their capricious BS? Hoards of 20-something professional victims who wear their tears like jewelry?
Just as there's plenty that goes into the union of a marriage, just as many factors can be conceivably attributed to it's potential dissolution.
Like children, adult people CAN also be unreasonable, petty, untrustworthy....you name the character flaw, someone, somewhere, ages 8 to 80 has earned that title. You don't have to get into detailed narratives with your kids about walking in on dad and his new toy, rather that (like schoolyard playmates) sometimes mommies and daddies can't agree to ''play nice'', and simply do better for themselves AND their family APART. As your kids mature, they become living examples of why it's far better to come from a broken home than live in one.
If mommy or daddy's acts like an asshole, so be it. This doesn't necessarily make them bad parents, nor are the children to blame for mom and dad's spats. While you want to keep the discussion age-appropriate, don't sugar coat. Dad didn't vanish after a trip to get smokes, he LEFT because life's conditions and/or responsibilities was too much for him to handle. Give the kids the basic truths, as adults they'll morally hash it out on their own.
Age doesn't always bring wisdom, but it never fails to deliver experience. It's a parent's duty to prepare their young for very similar, possible experiences of their own, no matter how much they make us blush.
How many of you come from families who had the all-knowing, deified elderly patriarch who earned his accolades on the backs of silence and egregious lies? Your parents didn't want to trouble you (but mostly themselves) with the truth, and in turn, we can make much ado about someone who's sole validated achievement is living to a ripe old age, surrounded by sycophants, yes-men and sometimes life-long victims of abuse.
The again there's the other extreme, where mommy walks into the arms of another man, due to years of indifference and abuse by her husband -- but is simply seen as a heartless slut.
It's amazing how adults will validate and excuse away their misdeeds to their children with all the mannerisms and naivety of an embittered, immature child.
For every culture shocked, disenchanted snowflake you meet, there's a couple of parents out there who cushioned the brat's way onto your classroom, workplace or doorstep. The only inherent "safe spaces" on Earth are in caskets and padded rooms.
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