The Price of Dr. Pepper in Texas

Unless you live in a cardboard box in an alley behind a grocery store on Neptune, you know that people buy and sell stuff on Facebook. There are Facebook pages dedicated to certain types of items, where folks can post pictures of those items for sale. It’s like going to an international garage sale. This is what the Age of Information has brought us to. Before, we had to actually drive around and talk to real people in order to buy cheap trash no one wants. Now we can buy cheap trash no one wants from the comfort of our own homes.

Now, some Facebook pages were set up specifically for the buying and selling of guns, ammunition, and the various sundries associated with the great American pastime of turning money into smoke and noise. Some of these pages were open to pretty much anyone, anywhere, and any type of gun in the world, but some had a narrower focus. For example, some were aimed at certain types of guns, or certain areas, or certain people. I once joined a page specifically set up for folks who only wanted to buy rubber band guns, and they only wanted to buy them on odd Thursdays during the summer—after dark. People are strange.

Anyway, those FB pages are all being systematically closed down now. Mark Zuckerberg announced recently that Facebook would no longer allow guns to be advertised for sale on Facebook, except by licensed firearms dealers. Well, maybe rubber band guns are OK, but any actual firearm sale on FB is now a Romper Room No-No.

As you might imagine, a lot of people are angry at Mark. You can just about cut the righteous indignation with a butter knife. How dare he stop allowing people to legally sell guns on a social media website? What about truth, justice, and the American Way? What about rights? What about freedom?

Well, I have to admit I’m disappointed, too. I liked scrolling through the listings of guns on those pages. Besides the outside chance of finding a really good deal, some of the posts were hilarious. And if I happened to need a Hi Point 9mm that had been dropped in a bowl of chili, but would probably still work if I cared to clean it good, I could usually find one on Facebook.

So I’d rather Mark hadn’t decided to ban gun sales on FB, myself. The problem is that Mark, technically, owns Facebook. At least, he still owns by far the controlling interest in it, which means he can do whatever he wants with it. He can decide to ban people who wear red socks, or people who shave their backs, or even people who drop 9mm pistols in chili. I might ban those yahoos, myself, if I could.

The point is that the people who are claiming that Mark is infringing on their rights by banning gun sales would have to infringe on Mark’s rights in order to keep him from banning gun sales. If we want to keep our rights, we have to let others keep their rights, too. You can’t have your rights while infringing on someone else’s. Well, you can, but you’d have to be a dictator, or something. And no one likes those people. They’re rude.

“But there’s nothing illegal about letting people post guns for sale on Facebook.” Yeah, I know. But there’s also nothing illegal about banning gun sales on Facebook, as long as your name is Mark Zuckerberg. Besides, how would you like it if you had to go through life with a name like that? I’d hate it, myself, being named ‘Mark.’

Some folks won’t quite get this, I’m sure. Some will say that FB is a public social media network, and no one is breaking the law by posting guns for sale, and something about Lexington and Concord and Washington freezing his buttons off crossing the Delaware River so they could one day sell guns on FB, yada yada yada. But the truth is, Washington didn’t much care for FB. He mostly just stuck with MySpace.

What you should do, if you think you really have to do something about this gross travesty of justice, is you need to sit down and write a nice, respectful, well-thought-out letter to Mark, explaining your position and asking politely if he will pretty-please lift his FB gun sale ban. And then you should put that letter in an envelope, address it, stamp it, and put it in the nearest trash receptacle because Mark will never read it anyway.

And then, if you want to sell your Glock-Smith-Colt-Whatever, lay it on your coffee table and set a Pepsi beside it, and take a picture. Then post the picture and offer to sell the Pepsi for $500, or ever how much you want for it. And let the pistol go with the Pepsi. A friend of mine bought a Dr. Pepper the other day for $750, and it came with a Winchester .30-30. And three boxes of 150 grain ice cubes.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go find out if Gun Scrubber will get chili out of a 9mm pistol . . .

Kendal Hemphill is an outdoor humor columnist and public speaker who never pays more than $1000 for a Dr. Pepper. Write to him at [email protected]