Women’s Wednesday has returned, and here is a brief recap of last week:
We talked about the negative effects of divorce on the children involved, went over the statistics of troubled teens as it correlated with broken homes, and heard one young lady’s story of the struggles in her youth that ultimately led her to turn her life around.
Here are a couple of the comments that I received in my e-mail pertaining to last week’s story:
One person said, “I sympathize with Ms. Gilley, but I also feel that is not always the case. My ex-husband and I divorced when our girls were six and two. We made a conscious effort to raise our girls in stable environments and to be cohesive and co-parent together. We never made our children feel like they had to take sides. Every school event, sports game, choir concert, or anything of that sort we attended together and sat together so they never felt that when they left the stage they had to choose one over the other. They never had a doubt that mom AND dad would be there.”
Another reader stated, “Allison sounds like an amazing person. God bless her for what she has been through and coming out stronger for it. I hope she is a wonderful mother and influence on her child.”
Allison’s story can be found here.
Today’s focus will be on stepparents, stepchildren and the chaos that can sometimes go along with being a member of a blended family. In my life, I have had three stepparents and I am now the stepmother of two wonderful, crazy kiddos; so I have both perspectives on this subject.
My husband and I have been together for five years, and while things are actually great now with our 19 and 22 year old, we have definitely had our difficulties with them. We have fought with them, fought with each other about them, went through short periods of time without speaking to one or both; I have even cried when they have stressed me out too much. However, I was often reminded of my relationships with my stepparents, and I realized that no matter what end of this situation you are on, it is never easy for either party. All you need is a little patience, understanding and time.
Lanie Davis, 28, gained a stepfather at the age of 12. She stated, “At the beginning of the relationship, I absolutely couldn’t stand him. I hated everything about him. He would call the house for my mom, and I used to tell him that she was at a bar or with other guys so he wouldn’t pursue the relationship.”
After her mother and stepfather married, Lanie went to live with her biological father, who was also remarried.
“I wasn’t fond of either stepparent,” she said. “But I preferred my stepmother over my stepdad.”
Lanie explained that her stepmother was “nice at first,” but soon changed. The stepmother and her father consistently fought about their children, which ultimately led to his second divorce.
Her father remarried once more, and Lanie stated that the relationship with her current stepmother is “a work in progress.” However, she has mended the relationship with her stepfather and said, “He is definitely someone I am proud to call a father figure.”
As an adult, Lanie does regret some of the things she did to her stepparents, especially her stepfather; but not all because “we wouldn’t have the awesome relationship we do now if some of those things didn’t happen,” she noted.
“The best advice I can give to anybody who has stepparents involved is, you have to have patience and understanding,” Lanie explained. “Your parents sacrifice a lot for you throughout your life, so sometimes you just have to make those same sacrifices for your parents because that is the person they love.”
Married couple, Bryan and Stacie Hall are on the opposite end of the blended family scenario. Bryan has two daughters, ages 20 and 21, from a previous marriage. Stacie has two sons, ages 14 and 17. The oldest son, Eli, resides with them and their newborn baby boy.
“We get along,” Bryan said of his relationship with Eli. “We like the same things. We like to fish and be outside.”
However, he explained that sometimes he feels like he is in the middle of Eli and Stacie. “Bryan is the mediator because Eli and he get along better than him and I do,” Stacie said.
“It’s hard for me to discipline him versus if he was one of my own kids,” noted Bryan. “I don’t want to come down too hard because I don’t want him to want to leave and go to his dad’s or get mad and run off.”
However, Bryan’s own kids are not in the picture.
“Basically, there is zero relationship,” Stacie said about her stepdaughters. “Bryan’s ex-wife has never liked me, so they have never given me a chance.”
Stacie told a story of one of her first encounters with one of the girls.
“Bryan and I had been dating for three weeks and we left on vacation, and I had some stuff at his house," she explained. "While we were gone, his oldest daughter broke into the house, stole a bunch of stuff, and she took my swimsuit and tore it up and threw it in the pool.”
Stacie added that, to this day, neither one of the girls have seen their baby brother. She said she received a Facebook friend request “by accident” from the youngest daughter, but when Stacie responded, she said, “Sorry, I was just trying to see what [the baby] looked like.”
Stacie also said she sends the daughter a picture and update on the baby once a month, but she never responds.
The mother noted that she does want the baby to know who his sisters are, but does not really care about a personal relationship with them because of how they have treated her and Bryan.
“I don’t like this at all,” Bryan added. “I didn’t raise them to judge people like that. They haven’t even tried to meet Stacie or try to see what kind of person she is. They are just going off of the anger their mom has and it’s not right.”
Bryan and Stacie also noted that his ex-wife left him, and they did not start dating until he had been divorced for two years.
“I love them and I would take them right now, but it’s going to have to be up to them. There’s nothing else I can do,” he explained. “I don’t hold anything against either of them. I don’t even hate their mother. I wish the best for all of them. I’m here; they know I’m here. I have the same phone number, same house. I never gave up, but I just had to pull away. There’s nothing else you can do. You can only call or text so many times and they don’t answer. What’s the use?”
Bryan and Stacie both agree that the best advice they can give to blended families is to try whatever it takes to get along with the other parent; however, they have seen firsthand that no matter how hard you try, some situations are just impossible.
What do you think of Lanie’s and the Halls’ stories? If you are part of a blended family, what advice would you give to others who are struggling to get along with a stepchild or parent?
Questions, comments, or suggestions can be sent to [email protected].
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Keeping in mind that holistic health means balanced physical, emotional, and spiritual well-being, which of these traits describes your family or relationships:
The adults are clearly and consistently in charge of the family. The minor kids are not called on to do significant care-giving for younger children or disabled adults, or to make major household decisions.
The family leader(s) (each) have specific, realistic, harmonious goals for what they are trying to do as people, partners, and stepfamily adults. They have viable plans to reach their main goals.
Each member consistently feels unconditionally loved, wanted, and prized for who they are, rather than for what they can do or contribute.
Each member consistently feels physically, emotionally, and spiritually safe enough, short- and long-range.
Each member is basically honest with himself or herself, and with all others; there are few or no taboo subjects or family secrets.
Members often exchange respectful assertion, genuine listening, and cooperative, effective interpersonal problem-solving.
Each member gets enough appropriate nurturing (such as hugs) as opposed to painful, intrusive, or shaming physical contact.
Members exchange steady encouragement to fully develop their unique natural talents, and to be their real self, rather than an ideal, false self or someone’s clone.
Members exchange prompt, honest, constructive feedback instead of manipulative or shaming feedback.
Members are encouraged and rewarded for taking non-shaming personal responsibility for their choices, rather than blaming others, deflecting, manipulating, or hiding.
All members feel open to freely experience and evaluate others’ ideas, customs, and beliefs, as opposed to being bound by a rigid, bigoted “our way is the only true way” of thinking.
Minor children are steadily encouraged to be themselves, i.e., kids, without guilt or shame, instead of little adults, clones, or super-achievers.
Each member is genuinely supported in developing his or her own spiritual curiosity, reverence, and a deep, nurturing faith in a benign, reliable, personal Higher Power based on unconditional love and hope, not on fear, guilt, shame, and/or duty.
Family and household rules are consistent, clear, appropriate enough, and flexible.
Consequences are clear to all, respectful, prompt, and appropriate enough, and aim at teaching and guiding, not at punishing and forcing compliance based on fear or shaming.
Personal adult-child and family-outer world boundaries are clear, appropriate, and consistent enough.
Leaders confidently, rather than fearfully, delegate increasing responsibility and autonomy as individual abilities grow.
Members openly enjoy reasonable pride, pleasure, and satisfaction in personal and group achievements.
Leaders provide children enough effective training in living, social, and learning skills—especially in effective verbal and written communications and problem- solving.
Members are encouraged to feel and safely express all their current emotions, especially anger, sadness and despair, and fear. Members support each other in grieving their major life losses promptly and well enough, over time.
Each member values and strives for healthy interdependence, rather than excessive dependence or premature independence.
All members have a healthy balance between work, play, and rest; and between group, couple, and personal times.
Members value chances to make safe mistakes and to learn from them without excess anxiety, shame, or guilt.
Members all respect, prize, and care for their bodies and are comfortable enough with (not excessively guilty about or ashamed of) their physical endowments or lack thereof, and with their gender and gender-preferences.
Members share an appreciative interest in, and respectful concern for, the Earth and all things on it.
All members feel an appreciation and serene acceptance of the natural differences and sameness among each other and among all other people, cultures, and nations.
All members are appropriately encouraged in the responsible, shame-free enjoyment of personal sensuality and safe sexuality, within the moral norms of the group and society.
Members are steadily encouraged to adopt attitudes of realistic hope and optimism, versus unrealistic pessimism, doubt, and fear.
All members often feel free to be spontaneous, play, and relax enough. Exchanged humor is spontaneous and affirming, not shaming, belittling, or hurtful.
Each member steadily feels an unshakable, deep, balanced respect and love for himself or herself, and for all others.
Each family leader can spontaneously quote many or most of these traits and values.
The more of these factors you, as the leader(s) of a relationship and family consistently and spontaneously provide, the more functional it is. How do you feel about the list you have just read? Do you agree with most or all of it? No? Then, what do you believe? Scan the list again. Reflect. Could you honestly omit one or several of these traits without reducing the probable harmony and emotional health and growth of your family, or of any human relationship or group?
What happens to children who are deprived of too many of these traits as they are growing up? The truth is sad. Kids who are deprived of too many of these factors, for too long, predictably develop specific emotional and spiritual wounds, i.e., inner pain or gnawing emptiness.
Take a moment to take in the full scope and depth of these many healthy-family factors and you will begin to appreciate just how very complex the challenge of really effective family management is! Make no mistake—these factors are equally important to biological, foster, adoptive, gay, absent-parent, and multi-home stepfamilies. If you, as the family leader(s) cannot clearly describe your specific ideas of what a healthy or functional family is, and what you are trying to achieve with your family, the odds of your family being unable to meet the needs of its members rise steeply.
Gloria Lintermans is the author of The Secrets to Stepfamily Success. For information: http://amzn.to/stepfamily
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