Low Expectations

If you, like many Americans, eat, you’ve probably gained a little weight during the holidays. I’m being nice, of course. You’ve probably gained a lot of weight. The average daily American typically packs on a good ten pounds each year between Thanksgiving and Christmas. Eating enough sugary, starchy, holiday food to choke a buffalo is an American tradition here in America, and if there’s anything Americans love more than tradition, it’s eating.

My goal for 2015 was to lose ten pounds, and I’ve done pretty well, I think. I only have fifteen pounds to go. Chances are, you’re in the same spot.

The good news is that it’s time to make New Year’s Resolutions, or, as we like to say at our house, ‘meh.’ Because New Year’s Weight Loss Resolutions are stupid. Although I’ve heard of people keeping their promises for long periods of time, some for up to three, four, even five days, most are broken before the next meal comes along. Or the next snack.

This is because there are no consequences for failure. When people make promises to themselves, they tend to find it convenient to come up with excuses for breaking them. And then, when they get angry at themselves for being such wimps, they rationalize that their goals were too lofty, or it would probably be unhealthy to cut down to just five meals per day; or, hey, are you going to finish that pecan pie? I’d hate for that to go to waste. There are starving children in China, you know. I’ll just help them out by putting on another pound or two here.

We can’t win this battle because we never even begin to fight it. We make the resolutions knowing we have no intention of keeping them. Although every year we really, really mean it this time, we don’t really mean it. Just like last time.

Pound for pound, no country in the world comes close to having as many pounds as the good ol’ U S of A. Not even Great Britain, which uses pounds for money, for some reason. This is why rich Brits never go anywhere without an entourage. They have to have people to tote their money around.

Luckily, I’ve come up with a perfect solution to the whole weight loss New Year’s Resolution thing. Actually, it’s more of a life philosophy, and it doesn’t just work with losing weight; it works in just about any area of life. It’s the answer to all your problems. I call it ‘Low Expectations.’

The problem with losing weight is not that we fail to lose weight. I know, on the surface that seems to be it, but it’s not. You’d think that, if you set out to lose, say, 20 pounds, and you end up gaining 10, you’ve failed. Well, OKAY, I guess if you say it like that, you HAVE failed.

But it’s only failure if you really expected to lose 20 pounds. And you only expected to lose 20 pounds because you were an unrealistic dreamer. Seriously, how many people do you know who have reached, and maintained, their weight loss goals? And if you happen to actually be one of those people, let me point out that this would be a good time to keep your mouth shut.

No, most people never come close to reaching their goals, because those goals are unrealistic. Lose 20 pounds? Why not shoot for something more obtainable, like world peace, or a rug for Donald Trump that actually looks like hair? Or, if you really want to aim for the moon, how about a politician that keeps promises?

Those things aren’t going to happen, and you’re not going to lose 20 pounds. But when you expect to lose 20 pounds, and gain 10, you’re upset with yourself, and you feel like a failure, so you sit down and eat the rest of the leftover ham and mashed potatoes. And you gain 10 more pounds.

What you need is Low Expectations. With this plan you set your goal wherever you want. Say you look in the mirror and say, “Yeah, it would be good to lose 20 pounds, but what I really need to do is drop about 50” So set your goal at 50. And give yourself a week to do it.

Obviously, short of elective surgery, you aren’t going to lose 50 pounds in a week. Which brings us to the next step in the plan, which is to say, “No way can I lose 50 pounds in a week, so I won’t even try. What I CAN do, maybe, is keep from gaining any more weight this week, so I’ll just try for that.”

In a week, instead of being disappointed that you haven’t lost 50 pounds, you can be pleased with yourself for not gaining any. Or not gaining much. Let’s not get carried away.

The way I see it, the secret to happiness in life is low expectations. And if you have any questions about the concept, direct them to my wife. After 30 years of marriage, she’s learned not to expect much from me . . .

Kendal Hemphill is an outdoor humor columnist and public speaker who never makes New Year’s Resolutions until the year is over. Write to him at [email protected]