Sink or Swim

Every time I write anything about global warming (climate change), I get angry, spittle-flecked letters and emails from people who are angry and like to fleck things with spittle. I am an idiot. I am an uncaring clod. I am the reason we’re all going to melt into a puddle of regret next August 23. I don't care about the environment. Yada yada yada. Those are the nicer messages, of course.

These are the people I write these columns for. Those who agree with me, who are aware that earth’s climate has always been and will always be changing, don’t write such fun letters. They’re too busy making a living, and don’t have time to worry about the sky falling.

Since I haven’t gotten any of those letters in a while, I think it’s time to stir the pot a little. But then, it’s not my pot. It’s actually Al Gore’s pot. No one has been more whiney about global warming (climate change) in recent years than Al. Of course, no one has made more money from global warming (climate change), either.

But if you belong to the crowd running around with buckets to catch the sky, you might be interested to know what ol’ Al has been spending his big bucks on. You would think he’d be buying up the peaks of most of the Rocky Mountains, seeing as how the rest of the country will soon look like Venice, Germany. (I know. Venice is really in France.)

About five years ago ol’ Al bought himself a $9 million mansion on the beach in Montecito, California, despite the fact that he claims to believe the place will soon be an aquarium. The 1.5 acres has fountains, a spa, and a swimming pool, in water-starved Cali, and five fireplaces. You know, all those carbon footprints have to be disposed of someplace.

But enough about Al. Hypocrisy is nothing new among those who only need us little people to fund their lavish lifestyles. And climate change whining is nothing new, although it used to be called global warming. The name had to be changed, because it’s difficult to convince people they’re dying of heat prostration when they have icicles hanging from their noses.

Life magazine reported, in January 1970, that scientists had proof that, within a decade (that’s ten years, for you Al folks), urban dwellers would have to wear gas masks to survive air pollution, and, by 1985, air pollution would reduce the amount of sunlight reaching earth by half. This would seem like a good thing, I’d think, if the problem was global warming. But in 1970 the threat was still global cooling, if I’m not mistaken.

Another prediction that would have seemed to be a self-healing thing is a claim Paul Ehrlich made in the early 1970s. Ehrlich, you may recall, was a big dog in the global warming/global cooling thing from the start.

Ehrlich said that the world’s population would outstrip food production, and that the death rate would increase until at least 100 million people would starve to death annually by the early 1980s. So, I’m thinking that if that had happened, the food shortage would probably fix itself. Fortunately, Ehrlich was wrong.

All this hullaballoo pretty much started at the first ‘Earth Day,’ which was held on 22 April 1970. Its sponsor (I think it was Sen. Gaylord Nelson, D-Wis.) claimed that ‘within 25 years, between 75 and 80 percent of all species of living animals will be extinct.’ I really wish cats had been one of them, but that’s me.

Kenneth Watt was a big name back then, too. He was a professor who predicted in 1970 that a super ice age was coming soon, to an environment near you. On the first Earth Day, Watt said that nitrogen was building up so fast that soon light would be filtered out of the atmosphere, and all the land on earth would be unusable. Don’t you hate it when that happens?

Al himself, in 2006, claimed earth would be a ‘total frying pan’ by 2016. Maybe that one is still coming. I’ll keep you posted.

An ABC News segment aired in 2008 claiming that New York City would be under water by June 2015. So if you plan to visit the Big Apple you might throw a snorkel in your suitcase.

Also in 2008, Al claimed the north pole would be nothing but a swizzle stick floating in the Arctic Sea within five to seven years. A bunch of people who believed him and tried to sail through there in the summer of 2014 got their boats stuck in the ice. The boats are still there, I believe.

NASA Goddard Space Flight Center boss James Wassen said, in 2009, that Obama only had four years left to save the earth. I have no idea why he placed the entire burden on President Obama. Maybe he was hoping for change, or something.

I’m going to make a prediction, myself. I predict that, within two weeks, I’ll get a passle of angry, spittle-flecked letters and emails. And all of them will contain a bunch of misspelled words . . .

Kendal Hemphill is an outdoor humor columnist and public speaker who’s willing to loan Al a kayak, if necessary. Write to him (Kendal) at [email protected]