Wrinkled Under Armor

What I want to know is: Who stole my America and replaced it with a country full of whiney, mamby-pamby, complaining, wimpy, weak sisters? Americans used to be tough, self-motivated, resilient, strong, and independent. We used to take responsibility for our own actions. We valued accomplishment and praised those who did difficult things. Now, we’re a bunch of cry-babies who get their feelers damaged every time someone does something we don’t like. It’s embarrassing, is what it is.

A couple of weeks ago it was Virginia Thrasher, who made every normal American proud as a peacock when she won the first gold medal for our country at the Olympics in Rio. She got blasted by His Worthlessness Tears Morgan, and others, because they don’t like people who value skills that are actually valuable, like shooting. They feel threatened by those who don’t need someone else to take care of them and protect them.

And then it was Aryanna Gourdin, the 12-year-old girl from Utah, who posted pictures from her African hunts with her father to Facebook. She also got blasted by people who are so uneducated they think hunting is bad for the wildlife in Africa. They seem oblivious to the fact that, in the countries that have banned hunting, wildlife is riding a greased pole to extinction, while in the countries where hunting is allowed and regulated, wildlife thrives. Some of these people, who harm animals through their ignorant actions, made death threats against someone who has done more to help wildlife as a preadolescent than they’ll do in their entire lives.

And now it’s Josh and Sarah Bowmar of Ohio. Josh recently posted a YouTube video of himself killing a bear with a spear in Canada (a spear!), and caused delicate lilies all over the place to literally wet their Pierre Cardin shorts. Never mind that none of these fragile souls would survive a day in bear country, much less be able to actually kill a bear if their lives depended on it. At least one dainty daisy, who was angry because it’s wrong to kill animals, threatened to kill Josh with a spear. The comments make me wonder if any of these people managed to graduate kindergarten.

And Canadians are evidently no better educated than Americans. A spokesman for the Alberta Environment and Parks Dept. said spear hunting is ‘archaic,’ and that, “Work is well underway to update Alberta’s hunting regulations. We will introduce a ban on spear hunting this fall as part of those updated regulations. In the meantime, we have asked Fish and Wildlife officers to investigate this incident to determine if charges are warranted under existing laws.”

So, instead of giving Josh a medal, which he richly deserves, not only for actually killing a bear with a spear, but for keeping his pants unsoiled in the process, the Canucks have their boxers in a bunch. I wouldn’t be surprised if they managed to drum up some kind of charge against Josh, and prosecute him for being a man doing manly deeds. What a lot of hogwash.

Josh’s fantastic accomplishment has been denigrated in the limp-wristed press unmercifully, with Nancy journalists calling it cruel, inhumane, and barbaric. Wayne Pacelle, CEO of the Humane Society of the U.S., is on that bandwagon, beating the anti drum. Well, let me lay this out for anyone who is the least bit confused about the issue.

There was nothing cruel or inhumane about Josh’s bear hunt, despite what the whiners may claim. Josh was a college javelin champion, and knows how to throw a spear. He hit the bear solid, and it ran 60 yards, which takes a bear about four seconds, where it piled up and died. It was about as humane a way for a bear to die as there is.

Besides which, as Josh pointed out in an interview with WideOpenSpaces, everyone alive today is here because their ancestors, as some point, used spears to defend themselves and kill game. Even, gasp, the wimps complaining about Josh spearing a bear. You can bet that kinks their Calvins.

Josh’s wife, Sarah, was a representative for Under Armor, but the company has dropped her, because of the negative publicity. Which means I won’t buy another Under Armor product, ever, until they recant and hire her back. And neither should you, whether you hunt or not. And I plan to call them and let them know, and so should you. Under Armor still claims to support hunting, but with friends like those . . .

And speaking of the upcoming presidential election (which I wasn’t, but I am now), I know most of you are unhappy with the choices we have, and I don’t blame you. What this country needs is a president who stands for what’s right, who will tell these milk-toast Americans to suck it up and quit acting like 7-year-old girls. The president we need, here in America, is Mike Baxter. Tim Allen’s character on Last Man Standing. I’d vote for that guy. The trouble is, he doesn’t exist. And if he did, he wouldn’t run for office.

Josh, my hat’s off to you, buddy. I’ve shot many a deer with arrows, but never a spear. You are exactly the kind of person who built this country and made it great. I’d go hunting with you anytime.

As for Under Armor, maybe the company should move to Canada. I hear they’re nice and sensitive up there, eh?

Kendal Hemphill is an outdoor humor columnist and public speaker who plans to start building spears. Write to him at [email protected].