Apocalypse Sooner or Later

OPINION — If you, like many Americans, have a brain, then you’re definitely at risk of being attacked by zombies, when the Zombie Apocalypse starts. And that could happen any day now, as far as you know. Laugh now if you want, but you won’t be laughing when you’re holed up in an abandoned prison in Georgia with Rick and Daryl.

If you, like many Americans, believe zombies aren’t real, then you definitely haven’t been getting the emails I have. Although I’ve tried, many times, to unsubscribe from these emails, they keep coming. Like zombies. Or something. And I can’t even tell where they’re coming from.

[[{"fid":"45102","view_mode":"default","fields":{"format":"default","field_file_image_alt_text[und][0][value]":"The alpacalypse","field_file_image_title_text[und][0][value]":"The alpacalypse"},"type":"media","field_deltas":{"1":{"format":"default","field_file_image_alt_text[und][0][value]":"The alpacalypse","field_file_image_title_text[und][0][value]":"The alpacalypse"}},"attributes":{"alt":"The alpacalypse","title":"The alpacalypse","class":"media-element file-default","data-delta":"1"}}]]

The main point of these emails is to let me know I’m woefully unprepared to protect myself from any and all threats, including zombie apocalypses. But I’m in luck, because whoever is sending me these emails is willing to help me out, and sell me certain items that are guaranteed to get me up to speed, protection-wise. What a relief.

Basically, there are two products I need in order to survive during the coming chaos, and my benefactor happens to sell both. I honestly can’t imagine how I’ve gotten by without these two items, or what I would have done if I hadn’t started getting the emails. Fortunately I don’t have to find out.

The first email said, ‘Banned sniper gear finally available to public,’ and offers a product called The Ranger. The Ranger is described as ‘a game changing sniper tool that will undoubtedly improve your shooting accuracy instantly.’ It’s waterproof, shockproof, and idiot proof. The ad says that, even if you can’t hit a barn from the inside, with The Ranger, you will be able to hit any barn you want, from the inside. Or words to that effect. Who wouldn’t want that?

So I opened the email, and it said, ‘U.S. Army veteran reveals his secret to turn your handgun into a sniper rifle!’ Which is a bold claim, coming from an email. It’s also slightly misleading, in the sense that it’s entirely false. So there’s that.

It turns out that The Ranger is basically nothing more than a laser sight. I happen to own a laser sight, made by Crimson Trace, and although I will admit I can usually hit a barn from the inside with it, the laser sight doesn’t turn my pistol into a sniper rifle. It just turns it into a pistol with a laser. Which is a good thing, but hardly a big secret.

So I began to think the people sending me the emails were not entirely honest, in the sense that they were crooks. But I decided, in the interest of honest reporting and thorough investigation and killing time, to open some of the other emails. And I found that the other product is even more amazing than The Ranger, if you can imagine. Which I couldn’t.

The ad said, ‘The Declaration of Independence says you have a right to defend yourself. So why are lawmakers telling countless Americans they can’t have this amazing self-defense weapon?’ This amazing self-defense weapon is called the Light Defender Tactical Laser and, according to the ad, my lawmakers don’t want me to have one, because they hate me. But I’m in luck, because for a limited time I can get one from the people who send me emails I don’t want.

[[{"fid":"45104","view_mode":"default","fields":{"format":"default","field_file_image_alt_text[und][0][value]":"Laser Sight","field_file_image_title_text[und][0][value]":"Laser Sight"},"type":"media","field_deltas":{"2":{"format":"default","field_file_image_alt_text[und][0][value]":"Laser Sight","field_file_image_title_text[und][0][value]":"Laser Sight"}},"attributes":{"alt":"Laser Sight","title":"Laser Sight","class":"media-element file-default","data-delta":"2"}}]]
Above: a Laser Sight

This laser is so wonderful that it doesn’t even have to be attached to a gun, because it is, itself, a powerful, military grade, amazing weapon. The ad says so. This laser was developed by the U.S. military to fight our dangerous enemies in Iraq and Afghanistan. But it’s not lethal, in the sense that it doesn’t kill anyone. What this laser does, according to the ad, is it ‘turns enemies into slack-eyed zombies who can’t finish off their evil plans.’ As opposed to slack-eyed zombies who CAN finish off their evil plans, I guess.

There is even a video in the email that shows the Light Defender in action. The video doesn’t show any enemies being turned into slack-eyed zombies, but it does show a man holding the laser and pointing it at stuff. Granted, it looks like your average, garden variety laser pointer, but we can assume that’s what it’s supposed to look like, so no one can tell how amazingly powerful and military grade it is.

The most unbelievable part about all this is that The Ranger is only $22, and the Light Defender costs a mere $30. Anyone can afford them. Which means that Americans all over America, at least those who are kind of slack-eyed themselves, will soon be walking around with sniper pistols, and lasers that can turn people into zombies. Hence the impending zombie apocalypse, for which you are definitely not prepared.

But for a small fee I will be willing to forward these emails to you . . .