A Redneck Christmas Eve

Alicia Perry is our first-place winner for the LIVE Twisted Christmas Story contest. This poem gave us quite a laugh, so enjoy and Merry Christmas!

It was the night before Christmas in that quiet little trailer
All the kids were hoping Santa wouldn’t be a failure
They left their boots laid out in order by size
Hoping what they got was not horse apples with flies

The kids was all tucked in and sawing them logs
While at the foot of the beds you could find all the dogs
I put on my sweatpants and Mama put on her gown
It had been a long day and it was time to lie down

Outside someone hit something with some might
I jumped out the bed but I forgot to turn on the light
I was running to the window to see what I could see
When I tripped on a cat who attempted to flee

The moonlight coming in gave a wonderful glow
I thought that I had gained my balance, but it wasn’t so
The howl from my wife told me I had much to fear
Because the window was next, that much was clear

I fell through the window and onto the ground
My mind was a spinning as I was looking around
The culprit was located over yonder by the gate
There stood an Angus bull with a face full of hate

The dogs were a-baying and the wife was a-praying
I was still trying to get up from where I was laying
Suddenly from inside the kids started screaming 
And all I could do was wish that I was dreaming

Seems the kids forgot about their prizes and their loot
While attempting to put their foot inside of their boot
With all the wrestling and the dumping and the skittering noise
I just knew in a moment out would pop six little boys

The dogs all got loose each and every one
And I could tell in an instant this would not be fun
On came the porch light and out came the boys
The bull looked a little startled by all of the noise

When asked to repeat what happened next, I say
It can only be described as a Redneck Nutcracker Ballet
The bull was the Mouse King and was mighty and strong
But the army of cowboys was gonna let him know he was wrong

The dogs twirled and jumped and the cow did too
There was so much movement, I didn’t know what to do
Mama finally shows up and will end the battle at last 
Because she scared us all with a shotgun blast.

The cow ran out the gate and the dogs did too
I snuggled up to Mama and said “I Love You!”
We all went in the house to start to clean up the mess
One of the boys quietly said, “I like this Christmas best”

I couldn’t really tell them how scared that I had been
When they all ran out like determined little men
Each was armed with a weapon that only he knew best
A Sling shot, a wooden sword, a light saber and all of the rest

But now we’re all gathered around the table to eat
And each proud little boy is in his very own seat
The boys start telling and acting out all the scenes
And we all laughed so hard until someone knocked over the beans

By four in the morning we had given all the gifts
And the boys were so good, not even any tiffs
We all crawled in bed before the early morning light
And I said to all, “Merry Christmas and Good Night.”