Mission Implausible

One of my favorite television shows when I was a kid was ‘Mission Impossible,’ which ran from 1966 to 1973. Tom Cruise was much younger then, but he looked the same as he does now.

I jest. Tom Cruise wasn’t born yet, so the producers had to get Peter Graves to star as Jim Phelps in the early Mission Impossible series. Graves was a pretty good actor who played the airline pilot in the movie ‘Airplane.’ Unfortunately, he was mugged early in his career and his smile was stolen. His brother, James Arness, played Matt Dillon on ‘Gunsmoke,’ which is irrelevant, but interesting.

At the beginning of every episode of Mission Impossible, Graves would receive a cassette tape in some clandestine manner. Sometimes, he would be standing on a street corner and a guy would walk by and slip the tape into his pocket. Sometimes, he would sit on a park bench and pick up a newspaper, and the tape would be in there. Or maybe, it would be in a milkshake he bought at Dairy Queen.

Okay, I don’t remember the milkshake thing, but the tape always showed up in spy fashion. Once he got it, Graves would go someplace private and stick it in a tape player. A voice on the tape would outline the mission for the week, which was always pretty much, well, impossible. I suspect that’s where they got the name for the show.

And then the guy on the tape would say, “This tape will self destruct in five seconds.” And it would. It would start to smoke, and then it would catch fire and burn up. I think that’s why they cancelled the show. Graves inhaled too much cassette tape smoke in confined spaces.

I always thought that was really cool. And then I got an email recently from a fellow who suggested that guns should be built self-destructing.

So you’re thinking ‘HUH?’ Yeah, that’s what I was thinking when I got the email. The funny thing is I think he was serious.

What he actually said, at the end of the email, was, “Guns are not like automobiles or other devices. If maintained, they never wear out. This is a problem for manufacturers, and I understand that. They must keep selling guns to stay in business. Suggestion: self-destructing guns.”

Now, this guy claimed to be a ‘long time gun owner,’ who is ‘not against ownership by responsible people.’ Which, if the idea of self-destructing guns is any indication, cuts him out. I can’t imagine a responsible person seriously considering such a thing.

On the surface, the concept of self-destructive guns seems like a bad idea. But when you get to thinking about it, it’s actually a horrible idea. Such guns would have no long-term value, so their sales prices would have to be low, which would negate any advantages this guy perceived as being a plus for gun manufacturers. Plus, there’s the issue of liability, which is a big thing these days, what with all the liberal, whiney, bed-wetting types looking for someone to blame for every problem that comes up.

But the comment about self-destructive guns was almost an afterthought. The rest of the email was just as silly. The whole premise was that we need to make it harder for criminals to get a hold of guns, and we should do that by removing the ‘online and gun show loophole.’

I’ve said this many times before, but some of my readers are evidently not getting it, so I’ll say it again. There is NO online or gun show loophole. Every law that applies to any gun sale anywhere also applies online and at gun shows. The ONLY sales that don’t require NICS background checks, now, are those in which a private seller, who is not a gun dealer, meets the buyer face to face.

The guy who sent the email evidently doesn’t understand that. He claimed, in the email, “I have been to gun shows in Houston. Many of the sellers were not the so-called private citizen, but actually owned gun stores. No background check required to purchase anything.”

This is absolutely not true. I have no idea what this fellow thinks he saw, but if a dealer with a Federal Firearms License sells a gun without calling NICS, at a gun show or anywhere else, he will end up making little ones out of big ones at Leavenworth for 5 to 10, if he’s lucky. The only exception is if the buyer has a Concealed Handgun License, which means he’s already passed the NICS check.

This guy also claims photographs are not allowed at gun shows, but I’ve never heard of that, either. I’ve been to countless gun shows in several states during the past 35 years, and I’ve taken pictures at many of them. I have never been told not to do that, and I’ve never seen a sign prohibiting it. But then, I don’t go to gun shows to look at signs.

There will be many attempts to curtail gun rights during 2016, at both the federal and state level. Most will fail, but a few will pass. Most of those that pass will be voted in, or enacted by fiat, by people who are ignorant of the current gun laws. I know, because I get emails from some of these people. Bless their hearts.

We don’t need self-destructive guns. We already have plenty of self-destructive people . . .

Kendal Hemphill is an outdoor humor columnist and public speaker who used to pretend to be Peter Graves. Write to him at [email protected]